Convictions
A lot of things snapped into place for me last weekend. I was talking to my coach on Wednesday, trying to process the wave of emotions that steamrolled me, and I realized that at the heart of it – I was deeply convicted to stop casually dating and instead, live my life with more intention.
My best friend Karina married my favorite cousin Zach last Saturday. It was an achingly beautiful, bittersweet moment – a hello and goodbye – all in one day. I was simultaneously over the moon that she was joining my family and heartbroken at saying goodbye to a phase in our lives. Karina and Zach closed one chapter as they stepped into an exciting new adventure and my nostalgic heart cracked a little.
As I prepared my maid of honor speech and reflected on their relationship – from the time I introduced them two and a half years ago – to the sacrificial love and unwavering commitment they now stand in – I realized that Iโm not asking for too much. Standing at Karinaโs side and hearing their vows, crying at their first dance – it made me believe in love again.
Over the last few years, my view on dating was very open. I was excited to meet new people, experience new perspectives, and broaden my horizons. However, this led to entering potential relationships with men that didnโt share the same values – expecting them to eventually โcome aroundโ and adopt similar views.
You canโt change people. Even if theyโre willing to change at the moment, theyโll resent you later. Change has to be intrinsic or itโll never last.
My past situationships were the result of excessive optimism and deep loneliness. I used to approach relationships from a place of brokenness. I craved attention, doubting my worth without it.
Now Iโm at the point in my life where I value consistency over spontaneity. I enjoy my own company – so much that itโs hard to find men I prefer to my solitude. Iโm blessed with a great job, incredible friends and family, and a routine that I love.
After witnessing Zach and Karina, Iโve realized that a Christ-centered relationship is the one thing I can no longer compromise on. And if Iโm looking for a man with integrity, a man that will show our children the meaning of love, I need to become a woman that lives by those values.
Surrender is scary. Weโre taught to be fiercely independent, to create our own luck, but striving constantly is exhausting. Iโm learning to let go and trust in the promises of Jeremiah 29:11 and Philippians 1:6. During this break from dating, Iโm excited to cultivate deeper relationships with friends and family and spend more quality time with the Creator of my soul.
-a.j.
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I love your blog posts! You really show the vulnerability of your thoughts and the journey of growth you have blossomed into. Growing up as a Chinese American being vulnerable was never shown by my parents. It takes a lot to really deep dive into your inner emotions to fully understand ones self. I feel you would be such a great content creator! Have you ever considering vlogging and tell your stories in the form of cinematography? Looking forward to your future blog posts! ๐
Thanks, Kenneth! Appreciate your kind words and support ๐ It’s definitely difficult to embrace and walk in that vulnerability coming from a traditional Chinese American background. However, it sounds like you’ve also unlocked that aspect in your life!
I do enjoy creating content — I’ve been dabbling in TikTok (@alyssaljacksonnn) and one of my goals this year is to document more of the journey through vlogs (and maybe even a YouTube channel?). I’d love to see some of your content if you have any to share ๐